I don’t think I’ll have a mother 2-15-19
May 15, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMzMEuqOHg0

[Music]
hey everybody welcome to Wednesday it is
a late Wednesday for me I have been
pretty much hunkered down all day long I
haven't done much of anything I today
for some reason I just I woke up just
feeling really black villain kind of
week not in a bad way but just not
having the most energy that I have had
but I think that my cycles around the
corner so I think that it's brewing if
inside my my body so I've been getting a
little bit on the sleepier side and I'm
just not feeling a hundred percent but
it's alright I am so excited you guys
I've got so much going on that in behind
scenes that I I'm not telling you guys
just yet because I'm I've mentioned it a
little bit but not like a big I've made
it a big deal yet sorry I have paint all
over my fingers I am was working on cups
so I have some things that are going on
on behind scenes that I'm not 100% ready
to announce yet but I will say that
everything is like boo-boo-boo-boo-boo
working perfect for me so so exciting so
really that there are some good words
going in yes I'm going to say it right
now disclaimer whatever you want to say
it I say um a lot um
somebody mentioned me with Monday's
video let's play a drinking game let's
take a shot every time somebody's or Amy
says um and I did I went back and watch
the video and I was like boy I do say
home a lot and I think I just do that
even in real life I don't even pay
attention till someone mentions it then
I of course go back and then I'm like no
how annoying
so I apologize but I don't apologize
that I do say anywho pol - you - ah okay
I love it
anyways I am on my way right now to go
and grab some syrup excuse me for our
dinner because we are going to have
breakfast for dinner tonight just
comfort food I guess you would say just
sounded good so
oli he is eating what is it
french toast so he needed syrup I said
okay and he had already been to the
store twice today so he is like honey I
don't want to go to the store and I'm
like I'm either do I but I'll sacrifice
cuz you already did it and but I did
what I do see you know I'm gonna be
self-conscious about saying I'm all the
time you guys it's none of you guys see
me except for one person and it's
probably true of all things but don't
you love him
don't you love those trolls there's no
fluffy and comfortable and easy to
squeeze him pop their heads
hahaha oops as I hit this lady that
would not be cool anyways uh yeah anyway
I was gonna say something but I think
I'm gonna wait until I get back in from
the store the store walk there's like
nobody here I like this way and I'm
gonna pull through here
cuz I want front row seat maybe for Oh
Satan to your car
all right let me run in really quick go
be right back okay
I am back it is like that muggy nasty it
filling I didn't feel that when I came
sorry trying to give me cold off a
little bit full but 61 but it's not
muggy miski musky whatever you want to
call it cuz it's like that rainy weather
it's like the anti ooh
so something I've been thinking about
the last couple days has been how's it
bothering me so I guess that's something
to talk about
I mean cuz that's what I do with you
guys I always talk to you guys when I'm
having you know an issue or a problem or
you know one of those things and you
know again and I say this all the time I
love my mom with all my heart I love her
you know God only gave me one hum that's
my biological mother God has also
blessed me with amazing women in my life
that I also have had the honor to call
mom
and they filled those shoes when I
needed them filled one of those
relationships you know kind of went down
a little bit when I was going through a
really deep time of my life and finding
myself and learning who I was and
changing my religion and getting
adjusted to having you know a husband
that played a huge role in my life
it was a huge adjustment to everybody
because everybody in my life has been so
used to just Amy being on her own
like alone do you know so Amy wasn't
flexible I didn't went and you know I
just did everything because I didn't
have a family to really tend to other
than with Jeremiah and Jeremiah was a
lot like me we just were flexible we
just win did whatever and so one of
those relationships thoroughly kind of
I'm not gonna say ended but there was a
lot of hurt between the two and I think
on their side it was more that they felt
like I was maybe replacing or not
thinking of them the way that I used to
think of them that type of a thing but
as I've been growing up and I've you
know aged I have children of my own
husband family you know I have people in
my life that have been teaching me
amazing life lessons that I would never
known had I not started my youtube
channel and not started my therapy
sessions and not started all these
things that have allowed me to get in
contact with such amazing people to help
me grow in these areas of life that I
have been immature in and have struggled
in and so that this kind of wasn't
exactly where I was going with this
conversation so I don't know where it
was taking me
but anyways but me and this person that
you know I have called mother for many
years of my life we are starting to
slowly patch things up
and when I say patch it's not we're not
just shuffling things under the rug and
saying it's okay you know what what
happened has happened and you know just
ignore it no we have discussed things
that are painful on both sides and have
brought things to the table like you
know what this hurt me and you know what
that hurt me and you know what we did
not have communication I I did not know
communication I did not know how to
truly communicate with a normal human
any human being I did not have
communication skills and I'll be the
first to admit that and I have learned
communication skills over the past few
very I mean very recent years it has
taken me a lot to learn the skills that
I have learned over the past couple of
years and it's because I've wanted to
learn these tasks and I've wanted to
learn you know how to be a respectful
human being to other people and realize
that you know it's not all about me and
it's not you know one-sided I don't have
to take everything personal it's not
always you know when someone says
something in a way you know in a stern
voice or in a direct way it's not always
a negative thing towards me it could
just be that the person is speaking on
their own term hold the thought I shall
return
so anyways I am proud to say that I am
truly learning the kind of real
relationships that I want in my life and
not all relationships have to be on my
terms but they have to be mutual they
have to be on everybody's tongue that's
in that relationship and when I say on
terms not talking oh you have to have
rules and you have to have this and you
have to have that and you know you're a
bad person if you know you don't do this
or you don't do that that's not what I'm
talking about what I'm talking about is
when you have that relationship with
somebody that you really desire to have
a relationship with you will willingly
put so much work and effort into that
relationship and I'm finding that more
and more with relationships that I've
been coming back to me and when I say
coming back to me I've got you know far
distant family members that have been
reaching out to me lately
friends that have you know kind of been
out of like absent from my life but are
coming back into my life but I'm low I'm
but I'm learning to slowly take that and
not just boom jump back into it and you
know because no relationship is ever
gonna be healed if I just jump into them
I have to take them slowly and I have to
take them baby-steps I mean that's how
you build trust between the two people
that obviously were hurt in that
relationship to stop the relationship to
begin with so why I'm bringing that up
is because you know I love my mother my
bio mom I love her
clearly I love her you guys seen how I
reacted when you know she went missing
for a couple of days and you know I'm
also struggling in that relationship for
multiple reasons
some have been reasons that have been
for a long time that we have discussed
and she knows their issues but I'm not
gonna say that she's not able to fix
them she's able to but is she willing to
that's the key word and you know as all
of you know I do have a sibling
I have a brother we do not have a
relationship we have not for for almost
four years four years something like
that close to that and and that's for
its own you know own reasons I don't
want to go into that they're personal
but I mean I don't have a relationship
with my my brother but I feel like when
my brother comes around with my mom it's
like I feel like the world stops for my
mom and I know that it's because my mom
desires so bad to have a relationship
with her son I get it I understand that
100% but the thing is is that my brother
has been in and out of relationships
within our family and when I say our
family it's me and my mom now again I
haven't spoke to my brother in 10 year
or four years my mother has been an in
and out relationship and that's so
because I think she has been wanting so
bad to have that relationship with my
brother but there's a lot of sacrifices
when having a relationship with my
brother and she's willing to do that
she's willing to let things go when
she's willing to walk on eggshells and
she's willing to have that type of
relationship I'm not I'm not and that's
okay that that's that's for me to decide
and so anyways I feel like when he comes
around the world stops and it's all
about him but the thing is is that I
have been here all along
I have never went away I have been the
one that has stood by her through thick
and through thin I have been the one
that has bailed her out of problems I
have you know listened to her from
multiple multiple multiple multiple
hours about her life and you know
listened to her cry and have given her
advice and you know all of these things
I've been there and yet I feel like I'm
always pushed to the back burner
whenever my brother comes into the
picture so you know even like with my
kids and I'm not saying this to like
make her sound like this awful person
that's not what I'm trying to do but
even with my kids I'm in a pause this
real quick I'm gonna run in the house I
will restart back up where I was at okay
I am back oh god I had to run in the
house to bring Ollie the syrup he's like
I'm waiting I'm like Oh doubt so anyways
so I ran back in the room so I can
finish up what I was saying um but
anyways you know and that's what I'm
saying is so even with Omar's birthday
coming are that passed in February
my mom didn't even give him a gift okay
I was like okay whatever then as for his
birthday came around no gift okay
whatever Jeremiah's birthday came around
no gift and I'm just like you know if
you don't want to give me or ollie a
gift okay I completely hands-down I'm
cool with that you know adults are good
but to not give your grandkids gifts but
then turn around and when your son comes
around once a year which is kind of
ironic that it's always around the
birthday time it's always let's take you
out to dinner let's give you you know
money for your birthday
you gotta Yeti yeah and it's like really
like what why am i different why why is
my relationship different and in fact I
would think my relationship would be
much more than what that relationship is
I have more to offer and give in a
positive note and maybe I'm just just
not being you know maybe I'm not being
compassionate enough maybe I'm not being
understanding maybe I'm being selfish
and maybe those are all things that I'm
gonna have to deal with and time but
it's still that boys it's just
frustrating I guess and it's like I
don't know how much of it I'm being kind
of petty on you know and I don't want to
be petty that's just it is I don't want
to be petty I don't want to be
irrational I don't want to be someone
that's not being understanding but at
the same time how understanding do I
have to be and how much do I need to
make it okay just because my sibling has
you know issues that I don't suffer with
why is that different why does that make
it okay to push me away or push me off
you know and push my children off but
yet when he comes around it's oh the
whole world stops and the sad thing is
is that and again I'm just gonna say
this as what I've you it from and others
have seen it too so it's not just me but
in all situations when it comes between
me and my brother my brother gets like
again the world stops when he walks into
the world room but when I come into the
room it's like life continues and maybe
that's a good thing maybe it's a good
thing but I just feel like I'm always
kind of brushed to the backburner and
when it's coming from your parent your
mom you know I mean even on Mother's Day
I get a call but that's it did she send
me a card absolutely not did I send her
a card absolutely not why I didn't send
her a card is because I knew deep down
she wasn't gonna send me one so I was
pretty much kind of protecting myself
because I didn't want to hurt myself
more by saying oh my gosh I know I'm
gonna send her card and she's not gonna
send me one and how hurtful is that so I
kind of just I I didn't sent her card
but I still would think that she would
have acknowledged me as being a mother
and her daughter that she would have
taken that ass in ative to send me
something you know but it's not there it
is seriously just not there and it's so
sad because I want that I want to have
that relationship with her but I just I
have to accept that it's probably not
gonna happen like it's really not and
I've said this multiple times and every
time something comes up it's like
another another jag
at the reality of what our relationship
is always going to be and you know again
maybe I'm just being childish maybe you
know maybe these are just things that
every person deals with and it's not
just me but I feel like it's just me I
feel like I've got like that you know I
was given this person to call mom mother
whatever that just doesn't deserve to
have that title yeah that just came out
of my mouth I feel like God gave me
somebody that doesn't deserve that title
and that's hard to choke up and that's
hard to say
but it really is where my heart is right
now and you know beans that Mother's Day
just passed I really thought you know
that she would have made it I just
thought that she would take that
opportunity to reach out to me and and
you know like I said send me a card
she called me but a call is fine but
receiving something is so much nicer and
the thing is is that I have every single
time put myself out there and gifted and
sent cards and phone calls and it all
and I'm burnt you know I just told
myself this year you know what I'm gonna
let her do that I'm gonna let her do
those things no because I didn't do it
she's not I guess gonna do it or she
doesn't think about it or I don't know I
don't know and uh no no no bring me one
bring me one bring me one out of that
box yes one just one just one thank you
just leave it leave it that's it so
anyways enough of that no I don't want
no more look close it up yep good job so
enough of that it just you know it sucks
but that's kind of where I'm just kind
of at today I mean you know I don't know
but definitely just wanted to share my
thoughts with you guys because you're
all so amazing and you guys understand
me so well that I feel like when I share
these things you guys
have great shh-shh you guys have great
support back to me and you guys have
amazing things to tell me on how to work
through these things and that's why I
always feel so comfortable telling you
guys these things because you go out of
your way just to make sure that the way
that I'm feeling is either wrong or
right you know but I always accept it
all
so anyways enough like I said of that I
had a package arrived today
no it's nothing that you're thinking
it's not a gift it put it down put it
down I will show them put it down
let me flip my couch on my doorstep it's
huge
if you could tell my Omar standing next
to and he goes up to it is filled with
500 of these I finally took your guys's
your guys's suggestion suggestion haha
and I signed up for the melny the free
packaging and pick up at my front door
because I'm tired to go in the UPS Store
or the post office so I did that today
and it all came it took a little bit of
time though it took about I'll say
almost almost a week for these to come
but now I set up my first pickup
tomorrow because I just want to see how
it works out and so far it seems like
everything's gonna work out fine so I'm
so excited
anyways I also wanted to show you guys
really quick I got three more cups done
so this one's for a little girl her name
is Sophia and it has like all these fun
little stickers on it it says love
grandma
her grandma bought it for her or had it
made for her and then that's her name
and then that same grandma purchased our
ordered two cups for her grandsons so
it's this one for who are you for
Captain America I had to think about it
for a minute Captain America and
has his name Ryan on it and then it says
love grandma and then also she had a
black panther cup made for her other
grandson so she asked if I could add
some green to it because his favorite
color is green so I made green with a
black panther and then his name is Isaac
and then it you can't hardly see it but
it does say love grandma on there but I
should have chose I mean in person you
can see it really clear but on camera
you can't see it as much because it's
sparkly but yeah that's so exciting I
got those three done I have the x-files
Michelle x-files is on the Turner as we
speak
so I'll be able to lay it's um it has
his first coat of epoxy so it's fully
glittered it has its first coat of epoxy
I will then be applying the vinyl and
then applying the final thing of epoxy
and then it has to do it sitting time
but I'm so excited they're finally
getting done and uh this whole shipping
thing is gonna be that much better so
anyways you guys I'm gonna close I just
wanted to come on and chitchat with you
guys just a little bit and give you guys
a little bit of you know just where I'm
at right now and what I'm thinking
what's floating through my brain and
show you the fun little cups that I
finished and the exciting Melling and
stuff but anyways you guys take care and
I will check in with you guys real soon
bye bye
